a misty river west of here

Slow day at the office

2008-01-25T15:12:00.000-06:00

The other day on bbc I found this article. God has been bringing to my plate the concepts of repentance and prayer. I was immediately torn as I read this from disgust and amazement.

I ate children's hearts, ex-rebel says

By Jonathan Paye-Layleh
BBC News, Monrovia

Milton Blahyi, a former feared rebel commander in Liberia's brutal civil war, has admitted to taking part in human sacrifices as part of traditional ceremonies intended to ensure victory in battle.

Milton Blahyi fought Charles Taylor's forces in the war

He said the sacrifices "included the killing of an innocent child and plucking out the heart, which was divided into pieces for us to eat."

There had been numerous rumours of human sacrifices during the 1979-93 conflict but this is the first time anyone has admitted publicly to the practice.

Mr Blahyi, 37, is better known in Liberia as "General Butt Naked" because he went into combat with no clothes on, to scare the enemy.

He is now an Evangelist preacher, who prefers to use the name Joshua.

He was speaking to the BBC, after telling Liberia's Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) that his forces had killed 20,000 people.

Forgiveness

Mr Blahyi said he had first become exposed to killings in 1982 when, at the age of 11, he was ordained "the traditional priest of my tribe."

He explained that when a rebellion broke out against President Samuel Doe, he had to go to war on behalf of the president, as they were from the same Krahn ethnic group.

If you have an individual admitting that he and his group killed over 20,000 people, certainly there should be a mechanism put in place for such people to face justice

Mulbah Morlue
Forum for the Establishment of a War Crimes Court

He fought against the militia of Charles Taylor, currently on trial for war crimes in The Hague.

As the traditional priest, he says he persuaded the "hesitant" political leaders of his faction to make a human sacrifice before going into battle.

"They asked me to do it in secret; but some of the sacrifices are supposed to be as a ceremony; so my boys and I made some of the sacrifices in the open."

Mr Blahyi did not say where they had found the children to be killed.

He said he thought that confessing to what he had done and asking for forgiveness could help heal the country's wounds.

"I have been looking for an opportunity to tell the true story about my life; and every time I tell people my story, I feel relieved," he said, drinking a bottle of tomato juice in the capital, Monrovia.

'Ashamed'

Mr Blahyi stopped fighting in 1996, saying God appeared to him as he was charging naked into battle and told him he was doing Satan's work.

He is now often seen preaching on street corners and churches in Monrovia.

I could be electrocuted, I could be hanged

Milton Blahyi

"I now preach against murder and making human sacrifices," he said.

"Some people see me and congratulate me.

"Others see me and say I should not be walking down the streets of Monrovia posing proud. But I continue to tell such people I am not proud, I am ashamed."

Between the time he was ordained a "traditional priest" and the time he stopped fighting, he said, "more than 20,000 people fell victim - they were killed."

I was skeptical of this man's conversion. But immediately God brought to mind Paul, who killed many Christians. Its so easy to limit God's forgiveness and grace. We have no problem with God loving us despite our sins, or sins like ours. But when you read about a child heart eating warlord, gut reaction says you think there is no way God fogives that person. There is no way God would still love, or want to have anything to do with this person. Then the hypocrite light goes on , and you are humbled. If the general populous doesn't think God is real or working, then there is a need for a longer look at the world around.

I'm totally comfortable with ending the above sentence with a preposition. The word "you" could be replaced with "Ben" for better accuracy.

The Weekend Report

2007-12-10T09:26:00.000-06:00

This weekend was started off with a great little beer and deer cooking at Jake's. The ladies of the Grove were tied up at some Christmas something, I don't know, I was really paying attention. But some guys got together to eat, drink, and be merry. And merry we were with great deer tenderloin.

Saturday was wiled away preparing for an overnighter on Hawksbill crag, which the next morning we discovered to be a "tents with red x's only" camping spot. We had tents, but left the red x's at home, so we might have gotten in trouble had we seen someone. Luckily, the only living entity we saw due to fog and the general location of Newton County AR were the massive Elk that turned a straight stretch of highway in Boxley Valley into a four way stop. I capitalize Elk due to the size of the animals. Wow. The bull we saw was the biggest thing I have ever seen in the wild, excluding buffalo. They were technically in the wild/on the side of the road in North Dakota. The bull was an 8x8. Whether your talking wheels or points, that big.

I finished the weekend by returning late for one of the parties' lunch engagement. Pretty sweet. To top it all off, Suzanne and I ate sushi after church. I love sushi.

The Christmas Season, single or not single

2007-11-27T12:42:00.000-06:00

In the past, I have never been very into the Christmas season. It really just made me feel lonely.
It was like a month long Valentine's Day. To clarify, I am not necessarily talking about Christ's birth, but rather the season of Christmas that is portrayed in movies. The one with people all gathered in the living room decorating and laughing, drinking egg nog and playing games. The whole scene from Serendipity where they are skating around central park while its snowing. That kind of stuff.

I have just come to the realization that all those things make you feel either really lonely or really happy. Its one of the two. If you are in love and are having that love reciprocated, the yule time is a rock your socks off good time. However, if you are single, it's just cold and annoying and expensive and annoying. This whole argument, of course, excludes anyone young enough to not be concerned with the opposite sex; meaning for all 12 year olds, Christmas rocks. Always. Barring some tragic family accidents or situations... I don't want to make light of anyone's tough situation.

Continuing on...

I would like to give a short discussion on the great things about the Christmas season as I see them from my current engaged perspective, and by "discussion," I mean I am going to write out the things I am looking forward to doing with Suzanne around the holidays.

Walking around "looking at the lights" which really means she is going to be squeezing my arm really tight as I look at her from the corner of my eye. She will be looking at the lights.
Watching Christmas Vacation with Suzanne (who knows every line) and laughing lots.
Seeing Suzanne wear really weird clothes (its easier to accessories in cold weather... duh) but look really really pretty in them.
Gluwine.
Eating fancy cheese and drinking wine and getting kissed by Suzanne.

Most of this really just involves Suzanne. I guess everything is made sweeter when you get to share it; share it with a girl/woman, not a heterosexual life partner. I wouldn't want to kiss, or snuggle by a fire with Lafe. No offense.

2007-11-21T14:46:00.000-06:00

Stuart pointed out to the fact that my profile says I am from Afghanistan. This is not accurate and will be rectified.

Last night Suzanne and I had a really good discussion about the Sermon on the Mount and the whole good fruit bad fruit concept. Its really great, amazing, awesome, etc. to be in love with a woman who is wise and gives good counsel. Suzanne is so good at holding fast to the most basic points and from them, moving out into all the unclear parts of scripture. I can get turned around a little bit, as was the case last night, but Suzanne totally reeled me in and reminded me of some really simple truths that I was overlooking.

This discussion was in addition to one about beauty. It is fun to talk about beauty with the most beautiful woman I know. Throughout this conversation, I realized the wonder of God's timing. Suzanne and I often wondered why we never met each other before it was nearly too late. But during this conversation Suzanne was expressing her frustration at some guys' idea of the perfect woman being someone who wasn't concerned with how they looked. She wouldn't wear make up or be caught up in her appearance. I totally used to think that way. But somewhere between summer project in Florida and my last two semesters in Fayetteville, I changed that viewpoint. The perfect woman does dress up, she can wear make up if she wants, she does wear nice clothes and puts flowers in her room and smells nice. She does a lot of things that have no apparent worth to a guy, because she is expressing the beauty of God. She is Eve, the human form of beauty. She is concerned with beauty because she was made to be beautiful. Just like guys are captivated by great leaders and competition, beauty captivates a woman. That idea/concept has been manipulated by the fall to be a huge struggle for women comparing themselves to other women, feeling like they aren't beautiful if they don't appear to look like whoever happens to be on the cover of a magazine in the grocery store line.

I thought about what life would be like if I had married a girl who had no concern for beauty. It would be like being married to a skinnier dude. I don't want that. I really like that Suzanne is beautiful, and that she likes to be beautiful. She really likes me to tell her I think she is beautiful. Without her, everything in my life would be quantified, measured, compared, optimized etc. But women and beauty don't work like that, they just are. It can't be saved up or stored away. It can only be enjoyed.

Epic

2007-11-16T11:51:00.000-06:00

Epic could be one of the coolest ideas in our culture today, in my culture anyway. On the Road - epic. First ascents in Patagonia - epic. Heli skiing in AK - epic. Persevering through a low paying, high stress job made that way because of a short sighted, crass, cheap, and belittling boss - epic? I don't know.

buildering, its not just for the urbanites anymore

2007-10-24T11:09:00.000-05:00

Suzanne and I went to Agri Park in Fayscrizzle last night to do a bit of moonlit buildering. I must say the friction was very good. Definitely reminiscent of those 45 degree days at Valley of the Blind when I couldn't feel the rock and didn't care because I was sticking 5.10ab crimps like Garfield on the back glass of your weird aunt's car. Whatever, my calves are sore. I think that Suzanne is going to be a world class climber, both because of her climbing aptitude and how shockingly good she looks in Capilene. But thats really more my enjoyment... in 8 months.

Eloping. Its cool right? I don't know anyone who has done it, but I am not ruling out the possibility.

The Hirsch told me that engagement was horrible, and that I should just skip that step when the time came and I am beginning to see why. She wants to marry me, and I want to marry her. I should have just brought Kent with me when I proposed and we could have skipped a bunch of yearning.

Yearning, yearning, yearning.

I painted for the first time since 2nd grade Monday night. I used oil paints. I am BAD! Oh man, it looks like Dennis Hoffman from Rain Man got a hold of Bill Murry's character from Caddyshack and from that, made a play. My painting is the oil and canvas manifestation of that play, void white pigments. I can't make white from blue, red, and yellow. I tried pouring the paint through a prism, but that didn't work. Just kidding, I didn't really do that.

Still yearning. ing.

The Christian life is so much more than sin management, and Satan is a bastard for making me think that it isn't.

So... I got engaged...

2007-10-16T07:28:00.000-05:00

I have been getting a lot of flack from people saying that I "never" blog. Well this is obviously not true, however, my blog cycle is just a little slower than most people. I normally get a little blurb in about every quarter. Not too shabby I think.

But so if you are reading that I got engaged Saturday to the most wonderful, beautiful, smart, and fun woman ever, then you are probably a little disappointed that I didn't call you. Sorry. Of course, you could have been pinning away for Suzanne, just waiting for your time to act. The time passed.

The engagement story (man version):

Friday night I packed up all the stuff I needed to take Suzanne fishing, and her ring. This was a two stage process that lasted until nearly 1 am. I then woke Saturday morning, at 5:30, with rolling bowels. I took care of that problem, because I am a problem solver, and then filled up the cooler with ice and grabbed the wine (Kendall Jackson, Cabernet) and glasses and opener. I picked up Suzanne at about 6:30 and we drove to Beaver Tail waters. We got there and I brought her waders and snuck her gear up to the front of the trooper. I was helping her get he waders on when an old dude drove up... and he was a chatty old timer. So I promptly gave the "not interested in you, I brought her, man," laugh and showed Suzanne the fly vest I bought her. In the pockets were strike indicators, weights, leaders, tippet, and a fly box with some flies I tied and notes. Actually, I split up one letter I wrote to her into five parts and split them up between the pockets. I then put little numbered pieces of paper on the pockets. I told her to open the pockets in order of the numbers, something she evidently didn't need to be told.

While she is reading the letters, I am putting my waders on and being generally busy. I am completely freaking out. I've got this really weird shaking thing going on in my hands. I felt like I just shot a deer. Anyone who has shot a deer, and felt that feeling, you know, everyone else things I'm an idiot. I'm OK with that. But I was shaking and Suzanne was kind of teary. When she finished, I brought her around to the side of the car away from the talkative old man, I have no idea if he was still trying to talk to me, I was completely zoned in on Suzanne. I then told her I meant everything I wrote. I got got down on one knee and opened that little box and asked if she would marry me. She said she would. She then knelt down with a crazy mixture of crying and laughing and she kissed me. I put the ring on her finger and we hugged for about 30-45 minutes. Then we fished, and drank wine.

Highlights (for engineers): The covering on the ring box is amazing. Its supper grippy in sweaty, shaking hands. I had a killer idea of packing the wine glasses in a pair of (clean) wool socks. I put the glass into the sock open end first deep enough so the stem and base were completely in the sock, then stuffed the toe down the open end. It worked great! Notes. There is no way I could have said all that stuff knowing that I was going to say, "will you marry me?" Writing it down was much better.

So that's how I got engaged. It was a great day, tough loss to Auburn, but I got that whole wife question answered, and I am thrilled with the answer. I could think of no better possible answer.

In other news, Preston led the way to Weddington boulders, and subsequently some sweet problems. Too bad I had a headache from the champagne I drank the night before. But return trips will be made and the balance problem finished and renamed something awesome. We also had some killer discussion between evangelical theology and reformed. This really was amazing.

I am definitely much closer to the evangelical camp than the reformed, but it is good to shake the tree and watch all the stuff not firmly attached to the trunk come falling out. I feel like talking about these things does that. Being accepting of another person's right to hold his or her own views while not yielding on your own, its great. I look forward to more of these discussions hopefully taking place in community group with wiser believers than me. I'll put the biggies here as they happen. I might even be willing to break the quarterly update regiment.

Employed

2007-06-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

Last writing had something to do with options and graduation and the end of college etc. Well, college is over. I sat through graduation and actually enjoyed it. I got a bit teared up thinking about all the hours and hard work and good times stuff that everyone thinks of and gets chocked up about. Pretty typical really. Fast forwarding a bit and skipping some semi-awkward run-ins with Suzanne's parents, one very traumatic death of my fly rod, a couple good fish, the best birthday present to date, and a lot of logistics, I have now found a job, love, and an apartment.

Its crazy how much stuff changes in so little time. Honestly, I can't really take all of it into this puny little mind of mine.

So the breakdown. I am in love, complete with the spiritual face-kicking-ness that accompanies this close relationship that will hopefully (oh please) turn into marriage. I have been ever so sly as to not gradually show my weakness to Suzanne, but to throw a weighty portion her way while pulling her into the midst of it. What did I find with this unwise action? Complete and whole acceptance, sound counsel, and a soul willing to walk through these troubles with me. All this from a person whose company is more pleasant and encouraging than any I have ever thought possible. She embodies Christ. I admire her. For some reason, she reciprocates these ideas back to me with an honesty that makes my bones resound with excitement like a tuning fork. I did not expect this, but upon experiencing it, the great love stories of my mind (Last of the Mohicans, Eric and Polly, etc.) seem completely plausible and rational.

The job. I work for AMCO Products under a guy named Wendell. I one of two engineers on staff and am currently involved in some low key R&D on the devices used to apply bottle caps manifesting itself in the form of high speed filming processes. Its amazing what you see while looking at life one frame at a time, especially when you have 500 frames per second. I would buy a camera that could do this for emotions.

The apartment. I got one. All my neighbors are old and I move in on Saturday. We'll see how this one works out.

Its so clear now that you are all that I have

2007-04-26T22:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight marks the completion of my last college engineering homework assignment. Its a strange sensation to know that in a couple of weeks, I won't have any more homework. Ever. Never. Ever. Not for a grade anyway. I will be done with school. I am not totally sure I want to be done with school. I feel like I am smack dab in the middle of some scifi movie where people have been conditioned to do some zany and unnecessary thing for their entire lives and then are told they don't have to do it. I am a little scared and a little bit excited. I feel like I am looking at life in a whole new light. There are so many possibilities open to me, but honestly I am having a bit of trouble seeing all of it at once. I can not fully understand possible life alternative after college, how could I understand God. Umm thank you Donald Miller for cooking pancakes.

Doritos

2007-04-02T10:27:00.000-05:00

Last night at church we talked about doritos. This is what I learned. Christ said he was the bread of life. The nurishment of the soul. ::Aside:: I feel completly liberated to write sentence fragements since reading Hemmingway. Thanks Ernest ::End Aside:: Things like comfort, leisure, kissing your smokin hot lady etc. are great things. They taste great, but they provide little to no nurishment for the soul compared to the vitamin rich bread of life. Too often I get my doritos and bread mixed up and try to satisfy my soul with doritos. This does not work and actually makes me sick. Doritos are great in their place. A flavoring, a small snack, but not a meal replacement.

Ponca to Gilbert

2007-04-02T10:26:00.000-05:00

I let go of the amenities of the modern world very quickly when on the river. I got used to free squatting poops, sleeping on the ground, licking out my bowl after dinner, and having very limited control over my situation.
In town, you have so much control. If it is raining outside, you can stay inside, or if you do get wet going from your car to the house, you can change clothes, wash clothes dry clothes. Inside, you can regulate the temperature. You can make it light or dark. We have tons of options.
On the river, those options don’t exist. In fact, you can’t change anything but yourself. It is much easier to be ok with being wet than to stop the sky from raining. With all the gadgetry at my disposal, I regret to see the beauty of life that exists in my lack of control. I wonder how much of life I miss being so comfortable.

right where I need to be

2006-11-30T21:39:00.000-06:00

I am currently sitting in my living room listening to bluegrass (Big Smith and Alison Krauss & Union Station) and chewing a wad of Levi Garrett. It is snowing outside and Jake is half asleep on the couch. Brian was bouncing around on the stairs but has resumed his video game playing. I don't want to be anywhere else in the world right now. I was hit with the most complete feeling of contentment I have had in a while. God be Praised for leading His children despite there unruliness and willfulness. I don't know how He does it, but I love Him so much for doing it. The Israelites made a whole lot of mistakes, but he put the fire to them until he got what he wanted. I think we have the story of Israel because we are Israel. We as Christians are God's chosen people and he will do whatever necessary to refine us into something He can use. And in using us, He refines us further.

So God, thank you.

10:48 in ME 120

2006-11-28T22:47:00.000-06:00

Yes. Currently this is my life. Well the ME 120, but the time could be switched. I thought civil classes were easy. Nothing moves! It can't be that hard can it? I think they forgot about computers.

At least this is a great opportunity to persevere. I have often thought about the importance of trials and such. I have concluded that the hard time is worth nearly nothing if you can't remember it. And if you can't remember it, then it wasn't really that bad. I don't really know if I will remember this end of semester. I will probably remember the paper I have to write, since it is probably the last paper and longest paper ever.

I felt a twang of sadness as I walked by Old Main this evening. The alma mater was playing and I realized I would never stumble through the words before a football game again, not as a student anyway. I think I will be ready to graduate in May, but there are so many little things I am going to miss about the U of A. Two of them I know right now are Old Main and its numerous noises and the ME building. It is hard to think I will miss this cauldron of work that I have been steeped in for the last 5 years, but in a really weird way, it feels like home. I am comfortable here. I know everyone here. I like the work.

My marine friend told me that he has a hard time answering people when they ask him if he liked the marines. He says he hated it. It was the worst decision he ever made, but he loved it. This came after telling me about staying out late and drinking and then doing PT a couple hours later (4:30 am or something like that) in a downpour with a couple of inches of water on the ground.

In a way, I think this whole engineering thing has been like Peter's marine experience, just different. The ridiculousness of things asked of both of us caused us to be stretched and to work really hard, harder than we thought we could, do more for longer than we thought possible. But if we weren't challenged in such ways, we never could achieve what we have, achieve not grades or medals or skills even, but the knowledge that inside of there burns a very hot fire pushing us to rise any challenge. I really think I can do almost anything. If I have enough time and enough resources, I can learn or do just about anything that can be presented to me to do. I can learn, and I can persevere.

I learned two things in college. I guess that's what $50-$40 grand buys these days.

move over raggedy ann

2006-11-16T20:30:00.001-06:00

i am growing older.

Jake says there are three types of girls at a bar.
Type #1 - The Bar Girl
This woman is good looking, but she just looks fast, like fast trouble. You don't know if she wants to shack up, but I know she would definately consider it.
Type #2 - The Good Girl
This woman is actually presentable to the general public. Your mom might meet her and say, isn't she nice. Her looks can vary from very pretty to not so much, but she is always dressed tastefully and more often than not, casual. The good girl doesn't normaly get real wound up about going out, since she is mainly there just to meet her friends or if she does meet a stranger, rely's on her character to talk, not her boobs. These are rare finds, the girl I mean, not the boobs.
Type #3 - The Tank
::insert Jake's laugh:: The tank is just that. She tanks all over. She is the woman with too much woman about her. She is literally built like a tank and has the grace of one too. She is normally on a fast track to obideration via alcohol.

I would like to amend the list with type 4. Jake wishes me to explictly state this is my amendment, not his. So
Type #4 - The Cougar
This woman is knocking around at 40+ years of age. She has enough make-up on to actually remove it with a putty knife. She is looking for company and she is willing to fling some of that cash from her late ex-husband to get it. These women are actually preying on any man who slows down long enough for her to catch him.

Thats it. Thats all the women at a bar. Some women may fall into two catagories, but not normally. Its a brutal world out there and knowing is half the battle. So keep your eyes out for the bar girl, stay out of the way of the tank and don't let the cougar come up from behind.

move over raggedy ann

2006-11-16T20:30:00.000-06:00

ummm James, its good

2006-10-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

I want to give God props, praise, whatever for continually speaking and clarifying His word. I mean, He is fathful even if I am not, because He can't deny Himself. It is His character. So sweet.

The praise is for what he did just now. It got me excited and I wanted to tell.

James 4 is talking to believers who are not neccessarily at odds with the world, umm friendly with it.
1What is the source of quarrels and (A)conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage (B)war in your members?
2You lust and do not have; so you (C)commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.

3You ask and (D)do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.

4You (E)adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with (F)the world is (G)hostility toward God? (H)Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

5Or do you think that the Scripture (I)speaks to no purpose: "[a]He jealously desires (J)the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"?

6But (K)He gives a greater grace Therefore it says, "(L)GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."

7(M)Submit therefore to God (N)Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

8(O)Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (P)Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and (Q)purify your hearts, you (R)double-minded.

9(S)Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.

I totally understand this whole adulteress aspect, exemplified in my life by drinking too much beer and hooking-up with chicks. So the mourn weep miserable thing fits with someone who has been cheating on thier spouse, in this case God. Furthermore, turning my laughter into weeping isn't saying that I have to be a debbie downer, but rather to change what I thought was fun from making out with the random hot chick regardless of how hot she is to what God delights in. So my laughter, tequilla shots in excess, to mourning, remorse over departing from the will of God.

Its so simple. No hocus pocus here, or super-complicated academic study here folks, just good honest Spirit filled teaching. Umm Umm that Holy Spirit is rockin.

Oh and Eric, since I think you are the only person who reads this, that controls test smashed my face in. It was really, really hard. It didn't steal my joy, don't worry. I worked hard, gave everything. God was honored.

Peace be with us.

If I just lay here...

2006-10-08T22:57:00.000-05:00

Why is it that the most popular shows are about the completely plausible life. People in med school, in high school, friends in a city. Really I think it is the fact the people are normal. They fall in and out of love, have joys and sorrows and we are there for it all. And we hurt with them, and we laugh with them and we get excited and talk to our friends about it, but who has the courage, the fortitude to actually live.

Maybe it is better to get the craziness out, the really rash and emotional, with the fiction so when it comes time to really make the important decisions, job, spouse, house etc, we can make a good one. Maybe life is better lived objectively with a solid financial portfolio. Even as I write that I can feel my heart twist inside me.

No! It says. Life is more than Dawson could film it to be, more than the gilmore girls can talk about or miranda can work out in the empty room of a hospital. Life is real and the pain cuts all the way to the core of your heart. And sometimes you just lie there bleeding, hurting. But its better to have real pain than a false happiness or even security.

Thanks Hollywood, but I'll forego the hot new drama. I'll sit on the steps or the dorm and work out the pain from the girl who said God won't let her date me, and I'll cling to my buddies when I fear beats love on halloween and I'll sure as hell keep dancing even when she runs back to Oklahoma. Ha.

Maybe my life will be epic, maybe simple. But in any case, it will be real and no one will ever be able to say I never tried, never went big, always played it safe. And most importantly, I'll know.

5.11?

2006-10-05T19:09:00.000-05:00

I led a 5.10 route today. No kidding, I striaght up led the thing. I climbed it two weeks ago on TR, but today, I walked up to it and climbed the dang thing. It was pretty much amazing.
I then got uber ambitious and took on an 11a/b. It was considerably harder and the crux totally pitched me off. I can see that I am getting better, not so much stronger, but really better.

It is a shame the general public can not enjoy the sport of climbing. Honestly, there is nothing quite like doing something really really hard, learning to make your mind and body do things its never done, pushing yourself to the limits and watching those limits move.

Last night I got a $40 parking ticket at bible study. We had just got done talking about joy and not letting anything get in the way of that joy, be it worrying, disagreements, etc. I walk out and what do you know, Satan is trying to crap on that joy, trying to crush it inside of me with unfortunate events. I didn't have the strength to maintain joy on my own. I had to pray about it and trust God to keep that joy safe, trust Him to guard my heart.

And yet again, He saves the day. He never fails and although the problem with the ticket has not been resolved, He is faithful and will bring me through.

I hope that one day, I will be in a position that Satan must use great things to crush the joy in me. I don't really know what, but I hope that through climbing and school and family whatever else He chooses to use God produces in me more and more perseverence so that I can press on toward the call to deny myself and take on His plan for the world and my life.

This is why I love hard things (climbing, fly fishing, engineering). They put me to a place I can no longer make it on my own. They constantly remind me of my limits keeping me humble and relying on the Holy Spirit inside of me to succeed.

God be honored.

Smelling my neighbors weed, daily

2006-09-26T10:34:00.000-05:00

Last post was a jumbled mush of thoughts, although I know exactly what I was thinking, readers evidentally didn't. Well, I guess thats what you get for writing quickly.

I really do love to climb. I am nervous about having no money. I will be earning some in a couple of minutes.

I miss Jordan so much.

The guy from Hotel Rowanda is speaking tonight on campus. I am going to go see him speak after watching the movie. I am not excited, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. I think God is going to do something in me. I fear actually not going. I think my soul must have this, it must see the pain in this world. I have to keep my eyes open, or I will be listening to the throwback beats that Jake loves so much and living a shadow of what God made me for.

When you don't know your hungry

2006-08-11T18:11:00.000-05:00

No but seriously, sometimes when you miss a meal because you are so intense on something like studying or climbing or fishing, you just don't realize your hungry. The thing is when the next meal comes around, sometimes you don't really feel like eating because you are just out of sorts, so you don't eat. The next meal the appetite is much more acute, you fully understand you don't feel well because you are hungry.
I think my operation with the spirit is somewhat similar deferreing however in the sense of the spirits nature of continued giving. Really, one day in the word is fuel for the spirit to do a lot. So sometimes, you can skip a meal and you really aren't hungry because the last meal gave so much sustenance, you are still processing it.
The problem is, I really just get lazy and don't feed myself. I don't allow the spirit fuel to change my life. Then I get frustrated I am not the man I want to be, God's man. So then I get all discouraged OR write off a lack of holiness in my life as a pursuit to be relevant. Ha! I needn't be so concerned about relevancy as at this juncture in life as holiness. I am in college, everyone is a bit weird, weird or fake or Greek. Greeks are their own breed. How do they keep all their social gatherings/outings straight?
So in the frustration, its like my soul goes into remission and I just start doing things. I do things like kiss girls, just be busy, or go places. Whatever. I find a way not to think about it, either by speeding my mind past it, or blocking my mind from it.
I see this problem as extremely dangerous. Not as much from the fact of its existence but rather from the lack of desire to fix it. I fully understand that it is a problem, but I am so excited about school, I honestly have a hard time being concerned.
What do you do with a dog that just won't hunt? Hate to kill it, but it is just taking up a slot at the feed bowl and establishing bad habits in the other dogs. How many good dogs does it take to cause a bad dog to change his ways? We will see if two dogs won't do the trick this fall.
Briooon! and Jake may have their hands full. Oh, but God has given them good strong hands. Jake's gentle, Brian's full of life and emotion, passion and honesty. And I like these guys unlike the ones who were first on the scene, being so cru-tentional about discipleship and teaching.
Excuses aside, I have because I don't ask. And when I do ask I don't get it because I want people to be impressed by my holiness and maturity, as if I did anything. So Jordan, I understand. Maybe I should sell everything, bail on school and go with you. Maybe I should finish school. Fight them or not, Jonathan wanted God to be glorified, not himself. So lets fight school, and this problem cold war style instead of WWII style. Sorry band of brothers, it looks like its a couple more months of cloak and dagger instead of the stark reality of the trenches.
That is a funny thing about school, yea american life. It is the trenches, except we have gotten so many pillows and perfumes, pleasant pictures and the like that if we just turn up the TV and put in a little Tyler Hilton or B Spears, we won't really be in the trenches. As a Christian, we boast in reading Piper or Eldridge, and trust Chis Tomlin explicitly for "worship" and we really don't live in the pain or confusion or true joy of life. Except what we allow to let ourselves see, "Yeah ya bleed just to know your alive." Thanks Johnny Rzeznik. Because really well, that stuff is just scary, the whole of it I mean, all of it just unchecked racing right through our lives. The harshness of it all might make us into that Holden Caufield state of mind cause God really isn't that strong and if he is, I sure as hell don't want to have anything to do with him.
Oh, but is that Donald Miller talking in my ear? Sometimes, I think I have read too much and not spent enough time by myself. Maybe Don was right though. I don't really know for sure. Sometimes, I do know, for sure I mean, but other times, I think Hemingway was on to something when he gave the "everything thing is going to shit so have some rum and beat it there, your loosing the wife or the arm in any case" philosophy.
I don't really think homemaker's was a good man, not wise at least and definitely not Godly. So I'll stick to James. I'll not be friends with this world, and let God jealously commune with the Spirit living inside me.
God, I remember the flowers in Little Rock. I'm not giving up. Don't leave me. Fix my flaws, starting with my desires and let that change permeate my soul making me a good tree bearing good fruit. Thank you, Amen.

2006-07-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

This will be my first attempt at coherent thought. Previously I have noticed my writing has lacked structure and really I think that is because I have had very little structure in my thoughts.

I have been thinking a lot about decisions and the Lord's will and where my life is going. You see in college one gets the idea of preparation really ground into thier minds. Well really for my whole life I have been "preparing." I prepared for kindergarten at preschool, middle school in the 6th grade, high school prepared me for college, and college for the workplace. So with this whole prepare for the next step mindset that has been pushed upon me, I am looking around thinking is this what I want? Do I want the next step? I mean, I will be in this next step preparing for retirement for a long time. Maybe I should just retire now. Not a bad idea.

You see Jonathan lived a much different life. He did not live in such a tame world that is this current age of remote controlled airplanes and nuclear missiles and suicide bombs. Jonathan lived in a less globalized world with people who fought with swords and spears and fingernails and ass jaws. You know, they fought like men, they fought like Scottsmen... dwell on the imagery of that sword stuck into the muddy battlefield oscillating back and forth. Just think about it.

Now pull away the dampness of the mud. Think dryer, even more. Dry out the mud until it is almost sandy in texture and light brown in color. Take away the chewn grass and inset scrubby brush and more upright hills with short trees.

Across the field from Jonathan's army is a host (I think host is Bible for shit-load) of Phillistines. Jonathan is in the great army of Isreal, which currently is not so great since they only have two swords. Ha! I never understood this. Where the hell did the others go? Anyway, Jonathan decides to take some kind of action since Isreal was making God look bad. I really think Jonathan was at this moment perfect.

His mindset was to honor God. Sitting around was not honoring God. Jonathan decides to attack. Now I don't think he really knew if God wanted him to do this. But I do think Jonathan had some killer logic going on in his head causing him to act. Jonathan was aware of his people's history. God had explicitly told them to do some really strange stuff and, in war strategy, stupid stuff. He knew God did things differently to show His power.

Jonathan also knew God was powerful. Jonathan knew God could do whatever He wanted and ultimately would glorify himself. Therefore Jonathan understood grace even though it wasn't a real explicit concept at the time and he acted like a man living under grace.

He made a decision as best he could and trusted God was strong enough to do His will in any situation. Jonathan did not count success as a victory or his survival. Not to say he wasn't afraid of dying, but he had the courage to act regardless of his feelings.

I think that is what God is calling me to do. I am not going to be cutting up an phillistines, but rather to deny my own comfort and make decisions based on God's glory and trust that God will do what God wants to do. Mind blowing concept, I know, but it is hard for me to do.

I have never been through a really "tough" time. The most sorrow I have met in life is the death of grandpas and the token broken heart. My parents did not beat me, or leave me. I didn't attempt nor feel like attempting suicide. I didn't get hooked on drugs or get someone pregnant. There has been no catastophies in my life, and its God's grace that has spared me from these things.

But I also see a lot of the chioces I have made were very selfish. I bought into the preparation lifestyle and now I look and see how incredibly selfish a life making money and saving and investing to have a good retirement really is. I don't want to spend my entire life getting ready to be old.

I am not against having a job and kids and getting old, but I want to live in amoungst all of those things. I guess I just don't want to become a lot of the people I work with. I don't know if I even want to be in my parents position. They started with nothing and really have provided well for our family. But they haven't traveled. They never even left Missouri. I want more adventure than what exists in the rural landscape. I am not fit for law enforcement as my father and cannot fulfill my God-given desires in his proffession.

Therefore, I have got to stike out to a new land. I must move out to catch that adventure, be it phillistines or otherwise because if I just sit and don't do anything, knowing well that I have potential, I grow old and die be nothing more than a rock in a field with a bunch of other rocks. Many men a reduced to that rock and a handful of letters. But some men, actually live in the spanse of time between the fist a last breath.

My heart is ready to live. Skill wise or even sanctified wise, I have more to learn. But I am not waiting to be completely ready for I do not think a man is ever ready. It is simply time and my time is nearly here. I have a until may. Maybe not that long before I make a decision.

My prayer is that I am able to make a decision that I can live with. I don't want to punk out and go semi-big on the decision. I want it the whole way, the big wake, the big turn, the big move, the big overhang, the big fish.

Maybe wisdom will come to me as an older man and we will chuckle at my current simplistic view of life and how far off i really am. Maybe I will only learn if I do be first be found wrong. I have decided I will be known, right or wrong, I will decide and go hard.

2006-06-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

I saw one of the beauties of Arkansas yesterday. She was sauntering down the street, as only a lady of the south can saunter, smoking a long, thin cigarette. She was wearing tennis shoes and an oversized t shirt. I can't comment on pants because I couldn't see them. I am not going to say she didn't have anyting one her rumpus, but it could not be seen from underneath the shirt. It was a beautiful sight topped off with the fact she was reading a book while walking. So sweet.

I have been a little on edge this week. Last saturday I went to hot springs and there met Penny. It went very well, and I hope that our relationship will grow this summer. I am just a little nervous about Penny finding out about me kissing Annie, which due to the fact it happened last summer, shoudn't be an issue. There always just seems to be something go wrong quite frequently whenever I show interest in a girl.

It has been too long since I last was on the river. Penny sounded excited to fish. Hopefully I can take her this weekend.

Tone to tunes

2006-05-22T10:31:00.000-05:00

So lately I have been loving me some scales. Not fish scales mind you, but heetar (guitar) scales. I really really like to just play around on the blues scale. I have even tried my hand at just kind of improvising a blues song. More of just a short riff then phrase of lyrics, riff, phrase, riff, phrase, wicked riff with killer virbrato at the end. You know, just really simple. But in my musical explorations, this question hit me. When does a random hodge podge of notes become music? I know they are all in the same key, so they aren't completely random, but I dunno if it is really music like Led Zeplin is music or like CCR is music or Beck is music. I mean they are so different, but all music. I just feel like I am playin a scale. I have tried putting down a little peice of poetry and then building some chords around it, but it is pretty easy to start sounding like Nickleback or Creed. Redundant and unimaginative.

So where does music start? When is my Bm D A E chord progression my own and not a spin off of Coldplay's Green Eyes. Maybe I shouldn't have written that. Later when I give up this engineering gig and am making millions of records as a guitar slingin rocka' (say this like Nigel from Spinal Tap) Coldplay will sue me for copywrite infringement. Probably not. I'll just say they were inspiration or something.
God Bless Ben Folds! Make him a believer.

The pleasure of the finger.

2006-05-18T14:36:00.000-05:00

Insert more Hemingway refrences here, think a sad though, get throughly depressed... and we are all on the same page.

Ok so lets progress away from dark times and into the joy of the sunshine and the overwhelming and sweet scent of pure sport scent by old spice. Seriously, this stuff is rediculously strong. I feel like I am standing near the fragrance counter at Dillards. Ahhh. I hate that place.

In other news. The brewing went well. I looked at the airlock today at lunch and there were some bubbles. I expect there to be some gnarlier ones later this evening. Later this evening. What a phrase.

I have a desire to just go off. Strap on you seatbelts or better yet, just quite reading. The following may not make sense, nor be benefical to read. Goodbye care for case and spelling. Alas, if I do desire to use a word I can't spell, then no troubles to me. I am not currenlty being graded. Ha Hannaford. (my journalism teacher) She actually is the one who first introduced me to writing in this manner. Writing just nonesense, as long as you are writing. I don't really understand the value of thought if the thought doesn't have some structure or purpose. It is kind of like drawing a cirlce on a piece of paper over and over and over. Really all you have is a cirlce on a piece of paper. Well I guess it could look like the circle the kid in the ring drew. Oh man that was scary. So even besides the sheer pointlessness of drawing a circle over and over and over on a peice of paper, you have scared the peewaddin out of yourself. If a t.v. comes on then I would suggest, well I dunno cause in the movies no one really escaped from that little girl. Ok that is something I don't get. Its a little girl. Why is she so mean. She was born mean. Why? Isn't that the whole deal with scary movies is that people are just severly misunderstood or mistreated by another and then they freak out and start killing people or start haunting or start some other scary act. I find walking in cornfields with fog hanging about, really only a couple feet, maybe 1 even, above the top of the stalks to be quite freightening and pretty. Depending on the company I would assume. Ewwwww. That was definatley a dependant clause just floating out there by itself, admist a sea of white and text. Well, I guess thought doesn't have to be perfectly structured. So scary movies. No I don't want to go down that road. I totally freaked myself out this morning. It wasn't a total freak out, but I was pretty scared. I just don't know why my imagination can do that. Really it is the how I don't understand. I was so looking forward to leaving work early today, but I don't know if that is going to happen. My boss normally has a meeting and doesn't come back, but today he came back. What a downer. I can't go take my drawing to the boiler shop to get made, I just have to sit around and wait till in the morning. In the morning however, Marc and I can get the extensions we want and go to the electric motor shop to see if our too will work. I think that it will, but it is better to be sure. I don't really want to talk about work right now. How about climbing. Ok sounds great. I climbed last night acutally and I worked again on the V3 problem with that wicked orange sloper in the middle. I stuck the hold just past it, and got my right on the sloper, but my feet are wrong to reach for the next hold, which is a good sidepull. I hope that I will be ready for Utah this august. I really need to get those tickets. Hmmm. Maybe I will call them in a minute. Obviously, I have the time. Time. It is such a precious thing. We are constantly spending it, but we can't really buy more, and I have no idea how much I have. I figure God will give me as much as I need to do what He wants me to do. I just don't really understand what it is he wants me to do. I am not totally sure if I really like engineering all that much now that I have worked here. Actually I really dislike the work, or lack of work rather I have. I just don't like it. But at least I have a job, and it does pay well. I am not hungry and I can buy climbing supplies. Woot. Peace out.

2006-05-16T11:06:00.000-05:00

I have been reading To Have and Have Not. I have been reading for a while, going slow, taking my time trying to savor Ernests writing, but it took me 3/4 of the book to finally begin to get it. I don't know how I have pulled the wool over everyone's eyes by convincing people I am smart. I really think it is the major. Just because someone is an engineer, doesn't mean they are really smart, it just means they have a lot of homework. Thats all. Ok so back to Hemingway. No. That was all the Hemingway I had to speak of.

Hat tournament, Saturday. I am pretty excited. I day dream when I cool from the shower in the mornings. I have a mirror across from the bed. It is a very large mirror and I don't really know why anyone would want to have a mirror THAT large, but it is Sean's house and he can have whatever mirrors suit him. It isn't my decision. So I was sitting on my bed cooling, looking at the mirror and at how my stomach rolls over the waist band of my underware (did it used to do that? I can't remember. I feel like I would if it did.) day dreaming about the hat tournament and how big of a star I will be and how women, really nice pretty women will flock from every corner of the natural state to hang on me like the girls hang on Arthur Fonzerelli in Happy Days. Then from the mists THE woman will walk and all the other women will fade away and there will just be me being a man and her being a woman and God will be like, dang it feels good to be a gangsta. I always have these CRAZY day dreams in the morning. It is almost disturbing. I light the stove and fry an egg and realize practice a solid hat tipping motion. Maybe I'll have my new Filson hat. Gotta love tin cloth.

Here in a little while, Marc and I are going to look at trying our hands at brewing some hefe-weissen. I am pretty darn excited about the whole prospect. Of course I expect it to taste like Frazenkeiner, but it will most like be closer to piss.

I miss going to church with people I know. I miss a lot of things. The fragilness of life makes me sad sometimes. It was only for a moment, and then just gone. Like a breath in the winter wind. Passing. Its just so damn beautiful.