This will be my first attempt at coherent thought. Previously I have noticed my writing has lacked structure and really I think that is because I have had very little structure in my thoughts.

I have been thinking a lot about decisions and the Lord's will and where my life is going. You see in college one gets the idea of preparation really ground into thier minds. Well really for my whole life I have been "preparing." I prepared for kindergarten at preschool, middle school in the 6th grade, high school prepared me for college, and college for the workplace. So with this whole prepare for the next step mindset that has been pushed upon me, I am looking around thinking is this what I want? Do I want the next step? I mean, I will be in this next step preparing for retirement for a long time. Maybe I should just retire now. Not a bad idea.

You see Jonathan lived a much different life. He did not live in such a tame world that is this current age of remote controlled airplanes and nuclear missiles and suicide bombs. Jonathan lived in a less globalized world with people who fought with swords and spears and fingernails and ass jaws. You know, they fought like men, they fought like Scottsmen... dwell on the imagery of that sword stuck into the muddy battlefield oscillating back and forth. Just think about it.

Now pull away the dampness of the mud. Think dryer, even more. Dry out the mud until it is almost sandy in texture and light brown in color. Take away the chewn grass and inset scrubby brush and more upright hills with short trees.

Across the field from Jonathan's army is a host (I think host is Bible for shit-load) of Phillistines. Jonathan is in the great army of Isreal, which currently is not so great since they only have two swords. Ha! I never understood this. Where the hell did the others go? Anyway, Jonathan decides to take some kind of action since Isreal was making God look bad. I really think Jonathan was at this moment perfect.

His mindset was to honor God. Sitting around was not honoring God. Jonathan decides to attack. Now I don't think he really knew if God wanted him to do this. But I do think Jonathan had some killer logic going on in his head causing him to act. Jonathan was aware of his people's history. God had explicitly told them to do some really strange stuff and, in war strategy, stupid stuff. He knew God did things differently to show His power.

Jonathan also knew God was powerful. Jonathan knew God could do whatever He wanted and ultimately would glorify himself. Therefore Jonathan understood grace even though it wasn't a real explicit concept at the time and he acted like a man living under grace.

He made a decision as best he could and trusted God was strong enough to do His will in any situation. Jonathan did not count success as a victory or his survival. Not to say he wasn't afraid of dying, but he had the courage to act regardless of his feelings.

I think that is what God is calling me to do. I am not going to be cutting up an phillistines, but rather to deny my own comfort and make decisions based on God's glory and trust that God will do what God wants to do. Mind blowing concept, I know, but it is hard for me to do.

I have never been through a really "tough" time. The most sorrow I have met in life is the death of grandpas and the token broken heart. My parents did not beat me, or leave me. I didn't attempt nor feel like attempting suicide. I didn't get hooked on drugs or get someone pregnant. There has been no catastophies in my life, and its God's grace that has spared me from these things.

But I also see a lot of the chioces I have made were very selfish. I bought into the preparation lifestyle and now I look and see how incredibly selfish a life making money and saving and investing to have a good retirement really is. I don't want to spend my entire life getting ready to be old.

I am not against having a job and kids and getting old, but I want to live in amoungst all of those things. I guess I just don't want to become a lot of the people I work with. I don't know if I even want to be in my parents position. They started with nothing and really have provided well for our family. But they haven't traveled. They never even left Missouri. I want more adventure than what exists in the rural landscape. I am not fit for law enforcement as my father and cannot fulfill my God-given desires in his proffession.

Therefore, I have got to stike out to a new land. I must move out to catch that adventure, be it phillistines or otherwise because if I just sit and don't do anything, knowing well that I have potential, I grow old and die be nothing more than a rock in a field with a bunch of other rocks. Many men a reduced to that rock and a handful of letters. But some men, actually live in the spanse of time between the fist a last breath.

My heart is ready to live. Skill wise or even sanctified wise, I have more to learn. But I am not waiting to be completely ready for I do not think a man is ever ready. It is simply time and my time is nearly here. I have a until may. Maybe not that long before I make a decision.

My prayer is that I am able to make a decision that I can live with. I don't want to punk out and go semi-big on the decision. I want it the whole way, the big wake, the big turn, the big move, the big overhang, the big fish.

Maybe wisdom will come to me as an older man and we will chuckle at my current simplistic view of life and how far off i really am. Maybe I will only learn if I do be first be found wrong. I have decided I will be known, right or wrong, I will decide and go hard.