When you don't know your hungry

No but seriously, sometimes when you miss a meal because you are so intense on something like studying or climbing or fishing, you just don't realize your hungry. The thing is when the next meal comes around, sometimes you don't really feel like eating because you are just out of sorts, so you don't eat. The next meal the appetite is much more acute, you fully understand you don't feel well because you are hungry.
I think my operation with the spirit is somewhat similar deferreing however in the sense of the spirits nature of continued giving. Really, one day in the word is fuel for the spirit to do a lot. So sometimes, you can skip a meal and you really aren't hungry because the last meal gave so much sustenance, you are still processing it.
The problem is, I really just get lazy and don't feed myself. I don't allow the spirit fuel to change my life. Then I get frustrated I am not the man I want to be, God's man. So then I get all discouraged OR write off a lack of holiness in my life as a pursuit to be relevant. Ha! I needn't be so concerned about relevancy as at this juncture in life as holiness. I am in college, everyone is a bit weird, weird or fake or Greek. Greeks are their own breed. How do they keep all their social gatherings/outings straight?
So in the frustration, its like my soul goes into remission and I just start doing things. I do things like kiss girls, just be busy, or go places. Whatever. I find a way not to think about it, either by speeding my mind past it, or blocking my mind from it.
I see this problem as extremely dangerous. Not as much from the fact of its existence but rather from the lack of desire to fix it. I fully understand that it is a problem, but I am so excited about school, I honestly have a hard time being concerned.
What do you do with a dog that just won't hunt? Hate to kill it, but it is just taking up a slot at the feed bowl and establishing bad habits in the other dogs. How many good dogs does it take to cause a bad dog to change his ways? We will see if two dogs won't do the trick this fall.
Briooon! and Jake may have their hands full. Oh, but God has given them good strong hands. Jake's gentle, Brian's full of life and emotion, passion and honesty. And I like these guys unlike the ones who were first on the scene, being so cru-tentional about discipleship and teaching.
Excuses aside, I have because I don't ask. And when I do ask I don't get it because I want people to be impressed by my holiness and maturity, as if I did anything. So Jordan, I understand. Maybe I should sell everything, bail on school and go with you. Maybe I should finish school. Fight them or not, Jonathan wanted God to be glorified, not himself. So lets fight school, and this problem cold war style instead of WWII style. Sorry band of brothers, it looks like its a couple more months of cloak and dagger instead of the stark reality of the trenches.
That is a funny thing about school, yea american life. It is the trenches, except we have gotten so many pillows and perfumes, pleasant pictures and the like that if we just turn up the TV and put in a little Tyler Hilton or B Spears, we won't really be in the trenches. As a Christian, we boast in reading Piper or Eldridge, and trust Chis Tomlin explicitly for "worship" and we really don't live in the pain or confusion or true joy of life. Except what we allow to let ourselves see, "Yeah ya bleed just to know your alive." Thanks Johnny Rzeznik. Because really well, that stuff is just scary, the whole of it I mean, all of it just unchecked racing right through our lives. The harshness of it all might make us into that Holden Caufield state of mind cause God really isn't that strong and if he is, I sure as hell don't want to have anything to do with him.
Oh, but is that Donald Miller talking in my ear? Sometimes, I think I have read too much and not spent enough time by myself. Maybe Don was right though. I don't really know for sure. Sometimes, I do know, for sure I mean, but other times, I think Hemingway was on to something when he gave the "everything thing is going to shit so have some rum and beat it there, your loosing the wife or the arm in any case" philosophy.
I don't really think homemaker's was a good man, not wise at least and definitely not Godly. So I'll stick to James. I'll not be friends with this world, and let God jealously commune with the Spirit living inside me.
God, I remember the flowers in Little Rock. I'm not giving up. Don't leave me. Fix my flaws, starting with my desires and let that change permeate my soul making me a good tree bearing good fruit. Thank you, Amen.